above the fold

Unsucked:

The mystical location on websites where advertisers want their ads to appear. Originally referred to physical newspapers, which folded in half and made money from advertising. Today, newspapers don’t have advertisers and just fold.

accelerated emergence of high maturity behaviors

Unsucked:

Faster results.

acqhire

Poaching talent through the acqhire model isn’t just for giant consumer-facing web services.

Unsucked:

A method by which the rapacious captains of Silicon Valley recruit crewmembers. Entrepreneurs fall asleep drunk on riches and wake up working for AOL. If your corporate practices can accurately be described by a word this ugly, there is something deeply wrong.

acquisition

This exciting acquisition opportunity will level-up our ability to innovate and deliver value to customers.

Unsucked:

The process of converting a promising team or great product into lifeless corporate mulch by means of a liberal application of cash and false promises.

action item

We need to come away from this meeting with a list of action items.

Unsucked:

Task. Also, an up-and-coming band out of  New Jersey.

actionable

Her feedback didn’t relate to anything actionable.

Unsucked:

Specific, doable, or achievable.

ad partner

My ad partner approached me about a campaign that aligned perfectly with how I wanted to talk to my son about sex.

Unsucked:

A surrogate parent for the children of popular bloggers.

add color

Unsucked:

Provide insights or opinions.

adopt

The right tools and technologies create efficiencies in an organization’s value chain and also help them adopt new disruptive technologies like social media and mobile.

Unsucked:

Acquire and use,  as when businesses adopt new technology or Madonna adopts children from Malawi.

adoption process

Businesses must build out an explicit integration sourcing strategy as early as possible in the cloud adoption process.

Unsucked:

The series of steps required to convince a prospective customer to embrace your dog of a product.

adverteasing

Unsucked:

Blurb or plug.

advertorial

Unsucked:

Legalized prostitution for writers and journalists. Ad.

advise

Please advise how you would like me to proceed.

Unsucked:

Inform or notify. Tell. Help.

aha moment

It was the aha moment that turned him into a budding entrepreneur—one who understands his target market.

Unsucked:

A surprising realization. The time where a douche proclaims, “Eureka!” despite how many times you’ve told them the thing they finally realized.

alignment

Unsucked:

Agreement or understanding.

All-hands

We’re having an all-hands this afternoon in the war room.

Unsucked:

A company-wide pep rally or Thirty-Minutes Hate that is generally insufferable if you don’t already drink the Kool-Aid.

alpha male

Feeling sad for all those proud Alpha males. I got my Beta certification and am looking forward to Release Candidate.—Yoz Grahame

Unsucked:

An adult man whose social skills are not yet feature complete—with a personality that may be unstable—requiring further development and feedback before being allowed out in public.

angel

Unsucked:

Individual investor. Plural Cabal.

architect

Rather than settle for quick-fix solutions that may prove to be more costly in the long term, companies should architect their entire solution before beginning a project.

Unsucked:

(verb) Design, plan, or determine. Architect is not a verb and you are not Howard Roark.

as soon as possible (ASAP)

FYI, I’m going to need those reports ASAP.

Unsucked:

In an unreasonable amount of time. Quickly.

ask (n.)

Please clarify with the client what the ask is.

Unsucked:

Request for money.

at a rapid pace

As technology continues to evolve at a rapid pace, businesses that have embraced the cloud are realizing a need for higher skilled workers.

Unsucked:

The usage of supernumerary terms indubitably fails to enhance perspicacity.  And it’s faster to say “quickly”.

at the end of the day

Unsucked:

After all or in conclusion.

At [company X], we take [Y] seriously.

Unsucked:

We don’t care, but our lawyers do.

attrit

If the job don’t fit, you must attrit.

Unsucked:

Quit.

authentic

We’re talking about ongoing interactions that somehow manage to stay authentic and personal despite the explosion of devices and customer touchpoints.

Unsucked:

Real, truthful, or sincere. A state of being attainable only through confronting the inevitability of one’s own ultimate death.

authored

Unsucked:

Wrote or written by.

automagically

“Don’t sweat the details,” the salesman told the client. “Our developers can automagically load the user’s info from a cookie!”

Unsucked:

Cool, right?!? (We have no idea how the engineers are going to make this work.) Mysteriously automated.

backchannel

Unsucked:

Oh, I’m sorry, were you saying something?

baked in

The change of cost of goods is already baked into the consumer price.

Unsucked:

Part of; included.

ballpark, ball park

Can you give me the ballpark cost for this job?

Unsucked:

An estimate or guess. Larger and less accurate than a guesstimate.

bandwidth

I’d love to help you with your project, but we just don’t have the bandwidth right now.

Unsucked:

The diameter of a urethra.

banner year

Unsucked:

A year that sucked slightly less than most.

barrier to entry

Unsucked:

Obstacle or deterrent.

baxtrapolate

We had a solution all ready for the client. We just had to baxtraoplate what their problem really was, and then staple on the solution.

Unsucked:

Derive requirements from a predetermined solution; make shit up.

beef up

The solutions provider has beefed up their best-of-breed storage technology for branch-to-cloud scalability.

Unsucked:

Imbue with the power and intelligence of meat.

below the fold

They don’t like the ad placement since it is below the fold.

Unsucked:

Where marketers fear to tread. The lower part of a browser window. A place at which plenty of people—who can operate scroll bars, thank you very much—manage to arrive.

best in class

We are committed to providing best-in-class services to our clients and this upgrade reinforces our commitment to provide the best operating platform for the SMB market.

Unsucked:

The least crappy of a purposely skewed sample of competitors.

best of breed, best in breed

Unsucked:

Best. Significantly superior to the competition, or most expensive.

best practices

Utilizing industry best practices, we’ve generated a contingency model that should represent an acceptable ameliorative strategy.

Unsucked:

Method, process, or technique (often borrowed from a competitor).

big brands

Big brands are tapping into the maker movement to infuse their identities with a whiff of individuality.

Unsucked:

The only people who really count in this world.

big idea

In August of 2009, I blogged about the death of the big idea. It caused some controversy and stirred some strong sentiment in the comments section.

Unsucked:

One clear, overarching point or message, particularly as the focus of an ad campaign. It is generally invoked posthumously to convey that the speaker is a forward-thinking iconoclast.

bio break

Bio Break from Bridgepoint is a complete preconditioning formula for carpets and upholstery.

Unsucked:

Brief release granted from conference-room incarceration, allowing you to piss out all the creative juices accumulated in your pelvis. Break.

bite-sized

A new low-cost online service plans to take advantage of the overhaul of the financial advice industry by giving bite-sized consultations.

Unsucked:

Small enough not to trigger the gag reflex.

bleeding edge (adj.)

Online has indeed delivered at the bleeding edge of innovation with specialist digital metrics.

Unsucked:

Products or technology so speculative, unfinished, and/or likely to cause physical harm that they belong in a Pynchon novel, not in the hands of paying customers. Or, when used by PR flacks and lazy tech reporters, a synonym for “slightly updated”.

blue ocean

RIM would be able to carve out a blue ocean for itself, rather than staying in the bloody red seas of the smartphone war.

Unsucked:

An expansive new market unsullied by competitors, full of potential liquidity, frequently the topic of blue-sky thinking, and just as real.

blue-sky thinking

Let’s convene for some blue sky thinking and promote innovation to solve problems that confound major change.

Unsucked:

Imagining solutions that are only possible in a world without problems. Lazy, self-indulgent speculation passed off as “boundless creativity”.

boil the ocean

“Boil the ocean” projects are kicked off with much fanfare, but usually die a quiet death.

Unsucked:

Take on a project significant enough to threaten the established order.  Attempt the impossible.

boilerplate

Please review the “Legal Provisions Relating to IETF Documents” and RFC5378 to discover the new boilerplate text that is now required.

Unsucked:

Mindless filler; standard, formulaic text to be reused in documents; a film based on a picture book that J.J. Abrams may produce.

bottleneck

Bob’s laziness has bottlenecked the approval process.

Unsucked:

Slow down.

bottom line

An inclusive culture reduces turnover and improves productivity, innovation, and teamwork—all of which improve a company’s bottom line.

Unsucked:

Final result or outcome.

bought the farm

Unsucked:

Died.

brain dump

Why don’t you come by my office around 2:00 p.m., and I’ll give you a brain dump on the new project?

Unsucked:

Everything an individual knows about a topic, shared via cerebral defecation.

brainchild

Unsucked:

A boy-genius bent on doing evil acts, accompanied by his robot dog “Skippy”.

brainstorm (v.)

They participated in break-out sessions to brainstorm a new plan for the district.

Unsucked:

Toss out random ideas in order to compensate for a lack of direction.

brandactional

BrandActional® Advertising. It is a new way of thinking that fuses the effort to drive sales with the power of building a memorable brand.

Unsucked:

An honest-to-god registered trademark for advertising and marketing services in the nature of combining direct marketing and brand advertising strategies.

brandgage/brandgagement

Unsucked:

A form of niche porn for brand managers in which a product or service connects to (or brandgages) a consumer via a variety of “touchpoints”. It is rumored that David Lynch got his start in films as a brandgageur.

brave

Oreo exemplifies some of the “best practices” when it comes to effective digital branding: They are relevant, visible and constant. And they are a brave brand.

Unsucked:

Capable of making a decision in less time than the standard set of ass-covering maneuvers usually requires.  See also culture-jacking.

Break Through

Unsucked:

Progress or get something done.

brogrammer

Now that the brogrammer boys have entered the fray, the once innocuous joviality has morphed into mean-spirited team oppression.

Unsucked:

A portmanteau of “programmer” and “dickhead”.

bubble

What better way to profit from a bubble than to short the troubled sector itself.

Unsucked:

An inflamed economic blister filled with hype instead of pus. Very toxic when it bursts.

Bubble Up

Thank you for pointing out that issue. I’ll be sure to bubble that up.

Unsucked:

Tell someone with more authority.

Bucketize

We can’t boil the ocean, so let’s start by bucketizing the deliverables and picking the low-hanging fruit.

Unsucked:

Categorize.

Burn Rate

Unsucked:

A startup’s monthly conflagration of cash that only a liquidity event can quench. (Or, turning a profit. LOL)

Burning Platform

Management had long wanted to outsource the call center to India, but the need to cut staff during the recession created a burning platform that forced them to finally do it.

Unsucked:

A manufactured situation that creates a sense of urgency.

Calendarize

We need to calendarize another meeting to circle back on these action items.

Unsucked:

Schedule.

Capacity

Unsucked:

Time or people.

Carve Out

Let’s carve out some time to discuss your TPS reports.

Unsucked:

Savagely whittle from non-existent material.

Cascade

We have some new information that you need to cascade to your teams.

Unsucked:

Share information by peeing down the org chart.

catalyst

B2B marketers must use their automation initiatives as a catalyst for collaborating with sales.

Unsucked:

Incentive. Motivation. Reason. Exciting thing that makes things happen, excitingly.

challenge

Unsucked:

Problem.

Champing/Chomping at the Bit

Unsucked:

Impatient.

change

Unsucked:

As necessary for progress as it is despised in practice.

change agent

As a change agent I’m involved in the brand building process—creatively searching for those differentiating marks that give equity to a big idea.

Unsucked:

A colleague who feels very smug for rearranging your desk when you’re too busy working to notice.

Chillax

Take a step back and chillax.

Unsucked:

Relax (in an obviously cool way). A portmanteau of Robert California and the terrible ambient music used in product demos.

Circle Back

Let’s circle back in a week when we better understand all the protocols.

Unsucked:

Revisit or discuss later.

Circle the Wagons

If they question the cost of our project, we’ll circle the wagons and talk them down.

Unsucked:

Defend an idea or decision as a group.

cite chapter and verse

Unsucked:

Describe authoritatively.

Clock Speed

Unsucked:

Processing time.

Close of Business (COB)

We need to get this to the client by COB.

Unsucked:

End of the workday.

Close the Loop

Unsucked:

Revisit or discuss later. Kill your future self for a lifetime wasted using meaningless jargon.

co-creation

Social co-creation gives CPS professionals the ability to embrace consumers and leverage their insight to improve existing products.

Unsucked:

Passing design decisions along to the customer. Because everything should work like a Myspace page.

Code Monkey

We’ve got a few code monkeys working on it.

Unsucked:

Programmer. Developer.

cognoscenti

To shop at hip boutiques, browse galleries, and dine among the cognoscenti, check out the Hayes Valley neighborhood.

Unsucked:

“I am writing wistfully about a group to which I do not belong and I am in possession of a thesaurus.”

Come to Jesus

There are big “come to Jesus” moments for banks where they swallow huge writedowns all at once.

Unsucked:

Marked by an intention to come to terms with or create a shared understanding of the reality of the situation so you can move on.

componentize

Universal integration technologies make it much easier to componentize capabilty and deploy it in different locations.

Unsucked:

Separate, as with a system, into individual elements or parts.

componentized

Component Content Management is the practice of componentizing content.

Unsucked:

Kristina Halvorson’s favorite word.

congratulations!

Unsucked:

An expression of joy in the event a web app has successfully charged your credit card.

Consume Content

Consumers consume on their terms because they control when, where and how they consume content.

Unsucked:

Mindlessly ingest the substances delivered via television, web, or mobile phone. The primary activity media companies attribute to all human beings with functioning eyeballs.

Consumer Decision Journey (CDJ)

A more sophisticated approach is required to help marketers navigate this environment, which is less linear and more complicated than the funnel suggests. We call this approach the consumer decision journey.

Unsucked:

Selling people shit they don’t need.

Consumer-Facing

We specialize in consumer-facing communications solutions.

Unsucked:

Public.

consumerization

Forward-thinking agencies at all levels of government are looking to bring the best of consumerization into their organizations

Unsucked:

The effect of people using regular consumer software or tools to get their work done, rather than heinous enterprise applications.

content

The company set out to publish thought leadership content that appealed to a broader audience.

Unsucked:

Undifferentiated sludge generated to spackle over irritating business problems. Often comes in buckets. Also, articles, videos, or images.

content creation

White papers and case studies are static content creation—the biggest challenge for companies will be content creation on the fly.

Unsucked:

Writing.

Content Liberation

The consultant at the meeting opined that content liberation was the best way to promote our faltering media strategy.

Unsucked:

Giving stuff away.

Contextualize

Can you contextualize that for me?

Unsucked:

Explain.

convo

Let’s get the marketing group together for a quick convo about eBusiness touchpoints.

Unsucked:

Because “talk” has too many syllables.

Core Competency

I am extremely excited to become more directly involved with Fauxco again as we build upon our highly-regarded reputation in our core competency areas

Unsucked:

The one thing we haven’t managed to fuck up as a business.

counterintuitive

The CEO also made some moves he described as counterintuitive, shutting down the failing e-commerce site and canceling the company’s lavish holiday parties.

Unsucked:

Based on facts or evidence, rather than on magic-gut divination.

Cradle-to-grave

Unsucked:

Complete; start to finish.

Craft

Do you craft new agreements to capture “virtual” usage terms for your enterprise?

Unsucked:

Write.

Creative (n.), Creatives

Unsucked:

Professional designer, illustrator, composer, filmmaker, or writer.

Not your magic pixel-monkey.

Creative Juices

We should let our creative juices flow, and come up with the best solution possible.

Unsucked:

Imagination. Disgusting image of genital ooze.

Cross-pollinate

As each member of the region has certain products and services that can benefit the other members, we can effectively cross-pollinate best in class products and services across the region.

Unsucked:

Share ideas. Terrible misuse of a biological reproductive term.

cross-pollination

Unsucked:

Work together or share ideas.

crowdfunded smartwatch

This new crowdfunded smartwatch runs Android 4.2.2 on a 1.3GHz dual-core Cortex-A7.

Unsucked:

A product category that clearly signifies we are finished as a species.

crowdsource

The best part of crowdsourcing graphic designs is that you’ll get something totally original and customized.

Unsucked:

Steal from as many people as possible simultaneously. Also, assign an anonymous hoard to perform an important task for you.

Crushing It

Amazon.com is so crushing it that its stock is worth almost triple the infamous $400 price target.

Unsucked:

Doing well or succeeding. A phrase beloved by day traders and brogrammers.

culture fit

The ideal candidate may become a disaster if he doesn’t fit company culture, but how do you screen for something as nebulous as culture fit?

Unsucked:

Degree to which one is amenable to discussing sports and tits in the workplace.

culture-jacking

Thank’s to last night’s real-time culture-jacking, Oreo finds a way to be relevant and on brand.

Unsucked:

Creating an interesting advertisement due to insufficient time or money to make it boring and derivative.

Curate, Curation

Our blend of research, news, curation, and user-generated content is holistic and what we call ‘content with utility’.

Unsucked:

This is a picture of a cat. There are many like it, but this one is my find.

curated community

While Summit is often knocked for being exclusive, its curated community creates an environment for some of the world’s most ambitious people to open up.

Unsucked:

Smug, self-congratulatory entitlement…with yoga.

Curb Appeal

In part two of our five-hour webinar, we’ll discuss curb appeal, an important issue many of us overlook when creating websites, blogs, and social media accounts.

Unsucked:

Presentation. A product’s salability and flashiness, usually in the trade show circuit. In its original context, the term refers to the attractiveness of a house or commercial property.

Cycles

So now that you’ve completed the preso, you have more cycles to work on your deadline, right?

Unsucked:

Time.